Remus Lupin's Love Story
by Tori.Lars
Summary: Tonks moved closer, dangerously close. Their legs were touching. Thoughts foggy and weighed down so that they could not go faster than a crawl, Remus looked at her curiously. She slid her hand into his, wove their fingers together, and kissed him.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I don't particularly like the Lupin/Tonks ship, but seeing as Remus is my favorite character, I _want_ to like the ship. So here's my exploration into what could have been happening behind the scenes. I also don't read fics about them so there's a good chance all of this is completely cliché.

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"Hey, Moony." Poke. "Moony."

"Yes?"

"Let's get drunk tonight."

A slow, soft smile. "Sure."

That's how it started.

Remus Lupin felt old. He did not recover from the monthly transformations like he used to and there was a definite fatigue around him now, in his thirties, that he couldn't even pretend to enjoy. Werewolves aged faster than humans, and because he had been turned at such a young age, he had been aging quickly essentially all his life.

Around most people, Remus Lupin felt old. When he compared himself to his friend, Sirius Black, he felt ancient. Sirius had, of course, been through his own share of horror and pain, unjust suffering, but it had, if anything, stunted his aging. Sirius was stuck as a young man, emotionally twenty-two years old and perpetually wanting to have some fun. Remus was too old to be Sirius's best friend, but there they were.

And if he stopped comparing the two of them and took a few shots instead, Remus could feel young again with Sirius.

"C'mon, Kingsley," Sirius roared, trying to pass the bottle of whiskey to their fellow Order member, who was fastening his cloak around his neck. "Drink with us."

Kingsley smiled patronizingly at Remus, who smiled back gratefully. Kingsley was probably Remus's other best friend, the one he went to when he needed to talk about grown-up things in a mature, calm way, to be reassured calmly or get mature advice—not the kind who wanted to get drunk on any given night. But of everyone in the Order, with the exceptions of Sirius and Dumbledore, Kingsley knew best how much pain Remus went through on a daily basis and so he understood when Remus needed to let loose with someone more like Sirius.

"I'll pass," Kingsley said to Sirius, who shrugged and took another shot. Kingsley shook Remus's hand. "I'll see you tomorrow, Remus."

Sirius tried to corral just about every Order member who walked past into drinking with them, but they all refused (with varying degrees of annoyance). By the time Sirius's house was growing quiet, both Sirius and Remus found it quite funny that no one wanted to put up with drunk them.

Night was falling and Sirius lit the fire in the fireplace, and the two friends settled onto the couch in front of it. Someone, possibly Kreacher, was moving around upstairs. They talked and laughed, the topics of conversation ranging from Harry to Voldemort (only Sirius's unwavering sense of humor managed to make that topic funny) to fresh gossip. At some point, Remus told Sirius that Molly heard from Fred that Harry had a girlfriend named Cho. Sirius grinned at the news.

"Our boy's growing up, Moony."

The door opened and they both jumped as a loud crash shook the room.

"Sorry!"

Remus turned and watched, amused, as Tonks picked herself up from the floor, where she had gotten tangled up in what looked like curtains. He was too drunk to wonder how she had gotten in them, and anyway, it really wasn't that unusual for her.

"Are you alright?" he asked her, his words slightly slurred.

"Oh, yes, of course," she muttered and dusted herself off. Her hair was a little longer than usual, grazing the tops of her ears, but was a shockingly brilliant green. "I was just off, then. Good night, Remus, Sirius—"

"No, don't go, drink with us!" Sirius sang. "Wait, are you old enough to drink?"

She glared at him and he choked back his laugh.

"Kidding, Tonks, really, join us." He handed her the bottle of whiskey, which had been refilled once already. She looked at Remus, who grinned, before shrugging and taking a swig directly from the bottle.

"Would you look at that, Padfoot, you got one!" said Remus and Sirius whooped.

It could not have been more obvious that Tonks was a lightweight. After another shot, she could not stop giggling and had to sit on the floor in front of them because she was worried about falling, even from a seated position on the couch.

Despite Tonks's presence, Sirius and Remus were soon discussing their most popular drunk topic—their Hogwarts days. She listened intently and laughed at the right moments, asked the right questions.

At one point, Remus thought Sirius was staring at him, but when he turned to get a better look, Sirius was looking away.

Eventually, as an old clock struck midnight, Sirius hoisted himself carefully to his feet.

"I'm worn out," he announced and ruffled Tonks's hair. "See you tomorrow."

"G'night, Padfoot."

"'Night, Sirius."

As his footsteps on the stairs faded away, Tonks moved to sit next to Remus.

"I never pegged you for a drinker," she said and he looked at her, a sad smile on his face. His eyes were glazed over and the room was spinning nicely. He really had to focus to only see one of her. "Why do you drink like this?"

"What you might not know about me, Nymphadora," he said after a few moments' hesitation, his words more slurred than ever, "is that I am a deeply unhappy person." He took one last shot before sending the bottle flying back to its place in the kitchen.

She moved closer, dangerously close. Their legs were touching. Thoughts foggy and weighed down so that they could not go faster than a crawl, Remus looked at her curiously. She slid her hand into his, wove their fingers together, and kissed him.

Instinct, or what felt like instinct, took over and he kissed her back, their lips moving smoothly over one another. There was so much alcohol in his system, even for a werewolf, that he did not think of stopping, despite the ache that pounded in his stomach with each beat of his heart—which kept getting faster until it was racing and he was on his back on the couch and Tonks was on top of him and they kept kissing, kissing.

He couldn't tell if he was blacking out from the alcohol or if things were just happening faster than he could grasp, but then she was on the floor again, lifting his robes over his knees. His head fell back against the cushions as she took his erection in her mouth, the perfect size to take all of him in without hesitation, and her head bobbed around him. One of his hands tangled in her hair at the nape of her neck.

Remus felt himself start to rise towards climax, but Tonks pulled away unexpectedly and moved to meet his eyes.

"Can we finish this in your room?" she asked, her voice deeper than usual, throaty with desire, and he nodded. They stumbled up the stairs until they reached his room and collapsed on the bed.

When Remus woke up, sunlight was pouring in through the window—he had not shut the blinds before falling asleep, a mistake he deeply regretted as his head felt like it wanted to split in two. He hesitantly touched his forehead.

It was only then that he noticed what else was different. His left arm was wrapped securely around a sleeping (and very naked) Nymphadora Tonks, whose hair was her natural mousy color. He stared at her back, which was turned toward him, and realized that his arm was pressed tightly against her breasts. Everything came back to him in a rush.

The panting, the gasps in his ear... the tearing off of clothing... damnit, the shagging. They had definitely shagged.

He carefully pulled his arm away from her, relieved when she didn't wake. He sat up slowly, his stomach churning, his mouth too dry, and the room spinning in a different, much less pleasant, way than it had been last night.

He stood up gingerly and inched toward the attached bathroom. He just made it to the toilet and managed a nonverbal silencing spell before the vomiting began.

_Fuck_. He was too old for this.

Ten minutes later, dressed and rehydrated, he crept from the room and hurried up the stairs until he reached Sirius's room. He knocked sharply and heard an annoyed murmur in response. Translating that to a hearty 'come in!' Remus opened the door and fell onto the bed next to Sirius, magically closing the door a moment later.

Sirius opened one eye and glared at him with it. "What?" he asked sleepily. Remus took Sirius's extra pillow and put it over his head, his face buried in the blankets, and didn't answer.

After a minute, Sirius rolled over onto his back and chuckled. "Y'know," he said softly, "the last time you fell into my bed like this and covered your head, we were sixteen and you had just had sex with Lily." Not moving the pillow, Remus groaned. Neither of them said anything for another minute. Then Sirius said, "If you've had sex with her this time, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my house." Remus didn't laugh. "C'mon, that was _hilarious_."

Finally, Remus looked at him. "How are you not hungover?" he asked. "We had the same amount to drink."

"No, no, we did not. You had about three shots for each one I had."

"Oh. That explains that."

"What did you do that you are regretting as much as shagging Lily?"

"I shagged Tonks."

"You're funny."

Remus put his face into the blankets again and Sirius sat up abruptly.

"Remus, tell me you're funny. That was a joke, wasn't it? There is no way that happened."

"I don't think I've ever been this hungover," said Remus, his voice muffled. "Really not in a joking mood. Sorry."

Sirius laid back down next to him and said, "Have you talked to her?" His voice was solemn, concerned, and Remus breathed a little easier. This was too private a problem to talk to Kingsley about—as close as they were, they weren't that kind of close—but he did need some maturity in this discussion. Sirius was going to come through for him.

He moved the pillow and rolled over onto his back. Their arms were pressed against each other. "No," Remus said. "She was asleep when I left."

Sirius sighed. "Damn. Are you _going_ to talk to her?"

"She's so young," Remus said thoughtfully. "It was just a one-night stand, right? Surely she isn't expecting anything to come from this."

"Probably wanted to know what shagging a werewolf was like."

"Right. Curiosity."

"Right. I doubt it, Moony."

Remus looked at him. "What? Why?"

Sirius looked at him and smirked. "She's wild for you, mate. You really hadn't noticed?"

"What are you talking about?"

Sirius shook his head. "She's had a crush on you for ages. Had I not been drunk, I probably would have expected something to happen when I left you last night."

Remus looked back at the ceiling. "Damn."

Sirius patted his hand. "What about you?"

"What about me?"

"What do you want to happen? In the market for a girlfriend?"

Remus looked horrified. "Do you realize what you just asked me?"

"Yes."

"Do you? Do you, really?"

"She's young and human, I know."

"She's very young."

"And completely human. And she likes you. Now I'm asking: Do you like her?"

"You're joking."

"You said you weren't in a joking mood, I can respect that."

Remus sat up and looked down at him. "There's no way."

"If she likes you and you like her—"

"Padfoot—"

"She's an adult." Sirius sat up too, holding out his hands in a helpless way. "She's more mature than I am, she's got an intense job that takes a toll on her, she works hard. She fights hard. If ever there was a human who could safely and willingly date a werewolf, it's probably her. I'm sorry, mate, but...I honestly can support this, on one condition: Everything aside, forgetting about the danger and the stigma and how taboo it is, _do you like her_?"

Remus licked his lips nervously. "I can't just _forget_ about the danger—"

"Forget about it, just for this question."

"It's too vital to the nature of—"

"No. She can take care of herself."

Remus's shoulders sagged. "This is all moot anyway, if she just wanted to shag."

Sirius put his arm around Remus's back. "But just in case she wants more, you need to know what you want. Imagine, if you will, safely hidden away in the glorious and illustrious House of Black, a fortnight before a full moon, the two of you drinking wine. Talking. Laughing. You smile at her and she touches your hand, like so"—Sirius took Remus's hand—"and you switch to deeper topics, the pain of lycanthropy, the curses you've experienced, and she listens and comments with her own experiences. Her own pain. The night goes on, you sit next to each other, you hold her, like so"—he rubbed Remus's back before returning his arm to its original position—"and you tell her you love her—"

"Aren't you jumping ahead a little?" Remus said quickly.

"Yeah, that's the point," said Sirius. "If that's what you want, if that's where you want to be, you have to _tell her_ that to get it started. Is that what you want?"

An hour later, Remus still didn't have an answer but they ventured out into the house. They both casually glanced into Remus's room on the way downstairs—the door was standing open and Tonks was not there.

They found her in the kitchen, talking to Mad-Eye Moody and Kingsley at the table. Everyone looked around as they entered. Kingsley raised his hand in greeting, which Sirius returned. Mad-Eye immediately returned to what he was saying. Tonks's eyes lingered on Remus a moment longer before refocusing on Mad-Eye. Her hair was green again.

Remus got toast for himself and had a quiet argument with Sirius about cooking eggs—according to Sirius, no one made eggs as perfectly as Remus did, but Remus doubted his stomach could handle even looking at them, all gooey and runny, not to mention the smell. He gagged at the thought.

He sat at the table, next to Kingsley, and tried to listen to the discussion but was too distracted by the furtive glances Tonks kept stealing at him. He pointedly avoided her eyes but could feel them on him.

Finally, with a clap on Remus's shoulder, Kingsley left, followed by Mad-Eye.

Sirius, Remus, and Tonks were left at the table. Sirius was just lifting a sandwich to his mouth, but froze, stood up, and left the room without a word. Remus fought back a grin and rather wished he could follow Sirius without it being incredibly rude.

"Where did you go this morning?" Tonks asked.

"Oh, to talk to Sirius."

"Are you angry with me?" She asked it quickly, as though she'd been thinking about it all morning and he sighed.

"No," he said gently. He looked at her eyes, her lips, and the sensory memory of kissing her came back to him. "I'm angry with myself."

"Why?"

"Last night...was a drunken mistake. I'm sorry."

"Oh." She dropped her gaze to the table and bit her lip. He took another bite of his toast. "Why was it a mistake?" she asked suddenly, looking at him again.

He chewed carefully, giving himself time to think. When he couldn't stall anymore, he said, "It was not something I would ever have done sober. I was not thinking."

"Why wouldn't you do it sober?"

He looked at her quizzically. "Tonks, I do not regularly have casual sex—"

"I didn't mean for it to be casual sex."

Remus took a deep breath. "What did you mean for it to be?"

She looked away, a bit awkwardly, and Remus marveled at what she could say as though it were nothing and what could embarrass her. She almost had it backwards.

"I'm attracted to you," she said softly. "You're the most fascinating, kind, optimistic person I know. I want...to be with you." A faint blush colored her cheeks and he wondered if she could hide that with her Metamorphosing if she tried.

Their eyes locked and Remus felt his heart break. "I'm too old for you."

"You're, what?, thirty-five? That isn't old."

He laughed and the tension that had been building broke a little. "It might not seem old to you, but trust me, I'm old. I'm also a werewolf."

"And I'm an Auror."

Remus blinked. "Is that... a species now?"

"I mean that I've been trained to deal with Dark creatures and besides, that only affects you once a month so why should it matter?"

He fought a grin. "It matters because there is stigma. It does not only affect me once a month, it affects me constantly. It's why I can't get a job or—"

"But I don't care if you have a job."

"It's also why you would be ostracized if we were together," said Remus, talking over her.

"I don't care. Anyone I care about would understand. I know you're attracted to me, too."

Remus's eyes narrowed. "It isn't a question of being attracted to you..."

Tonks glared at him stubbornly and he stared back, thinking fast, but he apparently hesitated too long. She stood up and walked around the table until she was standing next to him. Then she bent at the waist and kissed him.

And he smiled.

It was all so easy then


	2. Chapter 2

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The night Sirius died, Remus returned to Grimmauld Place. His body was numb but for three places. His head hurt. So did his elbow, from where he had slipped and used it to break his fall during the fight. Most of all, his heart hurt. He had watched Sirius fall. He had held Harry as the boy tried to get to his godfather, his friend, his brother, and part of Remus wished he had abandoned reason and gone running for him himself.

Why couldn't it have been Remus?

Remus was already cursed. Remus was already broken. Why did it have to be Sirius? Why did Harry have to see it happen?

Why, why, why?

He went up to Sirius's old bedroom and stared around. The picture of the Marauders on the wall caught his eye and he studied it. There had been a time, years ago, when Remus thought he was the last Marauder. Prongs and Wormtail were dead, and Padfoot was worse than dead, a murderer and traitor. Only Moony remained. Then Padfoot had returned, and Wormtail became the murderer and traitor. But there was Padfoot.

Padfoot.

Once again, Moony was alone.

He curled up under the blankets on the bed and buried his face in Sirius's pillow. A few tears fell but before long, he was asleep.

When he woke up late the next day, it was with a start. He looked at the clock and realized, horrified, that he had slept for sixteen hours. He looked around. Tonks was sitting on a chair, one of Sirius's big pillows in her lap. Her arms were folded across it and her head rested on top of them. She was asleep.

"Hey," he said and she immediately looked up, blinking until she found him. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," she said. "They released me from St. Mungo's a few hours ago. Are you okay?"

He swung his legs off the bed and sat there for a moment, staring at the ground before shaking his head slightly. He stood up and pulled her to her feet, embracing her tightly, probably too tightly. He was naturally stronger than most humans and she was still recovering from whatever Bellatrix Lestrange had done to her, but the only thing that really mattered to him was holding her, feeling her, letting her erase as much pain from his heart as she could. She obliged.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered. Sorry for not going with her to St. Mungo's. Sorry for disappearing. Sorry for letting her friend, her cousin, die. Sorry for letting her get hurt.

"This isn't your fault," she answered and she squeezed him back. Finally, he pulled away and looked at her. "How are you?" she asked. Concern, sadness, remorse (for what, Remus couldn't figure out) shone from her eyes.

He took a deep breath and considered himself. He hurt, but... "I'm okay," he whispered.

"What do you need?"

He hadn't eaten in over twenty-four hours and now that he was awake and feeling was returning, his body was protesting vehemently.

"Breakfast," he said.

Tonks could not cook but she pulled together enough leftovers that Molly Weasley had left there that after the meal, Remus did feel better. As he finished off the last few bites, they heard the front door open and Remus heard whispered conversation he knew Tonks's human ears wouldn't pick up. Order members, returning to headquarters. Before they could leave the kitchen, Remus found himself face to face with Albus Dumbledore himself.

"Remus," said Dumbledore solemnly. Remus smiled tiredly and nodded, inclining his head only an inch. "We have suffered a great loss. Sirius was a good, strong man, and I know that you have lost more even than the rest of us." Remus felt his throat tighten and could not answer. Dumbledore rested his hands on Remus's shoulders. "Do let me know if I can help in any way."

Remus nodded again. "Thank you," was all he could manage to say. For a moment, the two men understood each other perfectly. Then Remus left the room, past Mad-Eye and Diggle and Hestia and Kingsley, who stopped him just long enough to meet his gaze, and almost ran up the stairs. It wasn't until he reached his own room that he noticed Tonks had followed him. He was grateful.

They didn't leave the room for the rest of the night. Most of the time was spent with Tonks's legs wrapped around Remus's waist, whether they were shagging that moment or not. They kissed and held each other and Tonks cried. She had loved Sirius, too.

By the next day, he felt infinitely better and knew he was more indebted to Tonks than she could possibly understand.

Molly commented that he looked like he was doing well, given the circumstances. He smiled at her and said, "Well, I've done this before."

Life went back to normal. Well, as normal as it could get.

A month later, he had made up his mind. Tonks had noticed he was acting more distant than usual all day, and by the time they reached her house (having abandoned Grimmauld Place), she was suspicious.

"What's going on, Remus?" she asked. She sat on the couch and motioned for him to join her. He did. "I know something's up."

"We need to talk."

"What's going on?"

"You've helped me so much," he started, "since Sirius died. You've been exactly what I needed and I owe you for that."

She smiled gently at him and waited for him to continue.

He tensed up, trying to force the words out. He didn't want to say them. They tasted like poison, like they were going to kill him if he let them sit too long but saying them would hurt Tonks. And it was an effort deciding between those two options.

"We can't be together anymore."

The look on her face didn't change. "What do you mean?"

It wasn't over. He had known it wouldn't be that easy, but a part of him had hoped... His body sagged under the weight of what he had to do. He had to finish it.

"Our relationship can't continue like it has been. I am sorry."

"What are you talking about?" She sounded nervous now, and her eyes were wide—it was sinking in, if slowly. "Why?"

"You deserve so much more than what I am."

She kissed him. It took him by surprise and he responded in kind, but got a grip on himself and pulled away. Every reason he had for ending things had left his mind. He shook his head, trying to clear it.

"Tonks—"

"Remus—"

"_Tonks_. Don't you see? This war is far from over. Last time, I lost my friends, my family, I only survived because I was a coward and I backed down. I don't plan to do that again. We have already lost Sirius. You cannot think there is a way I will survive this war."

"Don't say things like that," she said, aghast. "We can't give up hope."

"I'm not giving up hope," he said. "I know that if we do what we need to do, Voldemort can be defeated and the Death Eaters will collapse. I know that the Order is stronger now than it's ever been. But we will have to take hits before the time is up, that's all there is to it. And if I can help by sacrificing myself, that is what I will do."

Tears filled her eyes. "But why are you leaving me?" she asked quietly.

"Because you are young, you are strong, and you will probably survive. I don't want you to be broken by the end of it just from losing me."

"What makes you think you aren't breaking me now?" she said, her voice shaking dangerously. He felt a pang in his chest.

He stood up and she followed suit. She grabbed him, desperately, and he let her pull him down. He was selfish, but touching her, smelling her, tasting her, soothed his pain as well as hers and he allowed himself to be selfish. He thrust inside her and she squeezed him with her legs and he brought her to climax three times before letting himself go.

They lay panting on the couch and he stayed with her until she fell asleep. Hating himself, he draped a blanket over her and left. He stayed the night at Kingsley's house.

He avoided Tonks when he could. She sent him owls. He took the letters and put them, unread, into his briefcase. He considered burning them, but did not have the heart. One night, not long after the break up, Remus learned that Tonks had appealed to Kingsley.

"I told her I was not going to get involved," said Kingsley in his deep voice. "This is between you two. But, Remus... she looks bad. Almost as bad as you do."

Remus hid his face in his hands. He was not happy to be away from Tonks, but he kept telling himself it was for the best. She would move on. She had to. She just did not know it yet.

Soon, Dumbledore approached Remus with a mission only he could do—spy on the werewolves.

"Being a spy is dangerous, of course, so I will understand if you don't—"

"No," Remus said quickly. "I will do whatever I can."

So he found himself dealing with werewolves in a way he had never imagined.

In the first war, the werewolves, with Greyback in the lead, had come to Remus and proposed that he join them in fighting under Voldemort, the man who would give them power like the Ministry had always denied. When Remus refused the offer, he started receiving threats, some as subtle as passing whispers on the street and others as obvious as Howlers.

He hadn't told his friends, who had enough trouble to be getting along with, but when the threats stopped being aimed at him ("I wonder if Mudbloods can even be turned into werewolves?" "Think an Animagus could control the lycanthropy transformation?") he knew he couldn't risk them. He backed away. He distanced himself. It was only years later Remus learned that his friends saw his protective actions as evidence that he was the traitor.

If only he had gone to Dumbledore then... would he have become a spy, like Severus Snape? Could that have changed everything?

He tried not to dwell on that.

He had never lived amongst his fellows before, and he found he did not like it. In the early hours of the morning, he would lie awake and miss his humans. He missed Harry, Hermione, and the Weasleys. He missed Kingsley. Although it wasn't from living with werewolves, he missed Sirius. More than anyone else, though, he missed Tonks, and as hard as he tried, he could not stop thinking about her.

He returned to his humans for Christmas. Molly hugged him warmly and let him sleep in Bill's room, but cast him a reproachful look when he asked how Tonks was.

"She has been better," she said curtly.

On Christmas day, as everyone settled down for lunch, Molly annoyed Remus further by saying, for all to hear, "I invited _dear_ Tonks to come along today. But she wouldn't come. Have you spoken to her lately, Remus?"

"No, I haven't been in contact with anybody very much," he answered, thinking that Molly knew full well he had not spoken to her. "But Tonks has got her own family to go to, hasn't she?"

"Hmmm. Maybe. I got the impression she was planning to spend Christmas alone, actually." And she glared at him.

Harry addressed him next. "Tonks's Patronus has changed its form. Snape said so anyway. I didn't know that could happen. Why would your Patronus change?"

A chill ran through Remus as he looked at Harry's face. Harry had no idea what he had just said, of course, but Remus suddenly had a rather strong urge to leave the table without answering him. Instead, he said slowly, "Sometimes... a great shock... an emotional upheaval..." Remus gulped, trying to hide his nervousness, but Harry interrupted.

"It looked big, and it had four legs. Hey...it couldn't be—?"

The shining look on Harry's face told Remus he was thinking of Padfoot. Their conversation was brought to a halt before Remus could answer, but he was glad there was a readily available reason for Harry and the others to blame for Tonks being upset. Sirius wouldn't like his death to be used in such a way, of course, but it was helpful nonetheless.

Before returning to the werewolves, Remus went to Tonks's house and knocked on the door. She opened it almost immediately, threw her arms around him, and pulled him inside.

"Thank goodness," she muttered. "The only updates I get are whispers from Dumbledore, and they're never more than 'he's alive.'" She looked at him. "I've been worried about you."

He kissed her.

They stumbled awkwardly to the couch, locked together in their embrace. They sat down heavily and kissed for what felt like an hour. Tonks had always been the one to initiate sex, but when she failed to do so, Remus put his hand on her thigh—she immediately pulled away. Only then did he notice the tears in her eyes.

"I'm glad you're okay. But you aren't going to use me again." They stared at each other; she was determined and he was confused. "I won't let you take me for granted. I don't want just sex from you."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, leaned back on the couch, holding hands. Then he started talking—he told her about what he was doing with the werewolves, how he wasn't making much progress, and how he came face to face with Greyback occasionally. Then he told her about the first war, and how his loved ones were threatened by the werewolves. He told her he thought about her and missed her, but not enough to change things.

"I am sorry," he said, talking into silence. "I care too much about you to put you in that kind of risk. There's too much going on now. And you're safer without me." Not waiting for a reply, he stood up and walked to her door. He did hesitate, his hand on the knob, but she didn't speak or stand up from the couch, so he left.

...

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	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Some lines taken from "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince," by J.K. Rowling. This one jumps through the action pretty quickly, but...action isn't the focus of the story, so... And thanks for the reviews so far.

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* * *

_..._

_They're the Montgomery sisters and of course they don't look happy, didn't you hear what happened to their little brother?... Well, their brother was attacked by a werewolf... the boy was only five and he died in St. Mungo's, they couldn't save him..._

_What was the werewolf's name?_

_Well, the rumor is that it was that Fenrir Greyback._

_I knew it—the maniac who likes attacking kids, the one Lupin told me about!_

* * *

_Harry?_

_What're you doing here?_

_I came to see Dumbledore._

_His office isn't here, it's round the other side of the castle, behind the gargoyle—_

_I know..._

_What did you want to see him about?_

_Nothing in particular. I just thought he might know what's going on...I've heard rumors...people getting hurt..._

_Yeah, I know, it's all been in the papers. That little kid trying to kill his—_

_The Prophet's often behind the times. You haven't had any letters from anyone in the Order recently?_

_No one from the Order writes to me anymore, not since Sirius—I'm sorry. I mean...I miss him, as well..._

_What? Well...I'll see you around, Harry._

* * *

Dumbledore himself asked Remus to help protect the castle one night, when he was going to be leaving. "It must be done," he said, "but I worry the Death Eaters will know I'm not there. I want extra protection, just in case."

On the night in question, Remus Apparated as close to Hogwarts as he could get and started the walk to the castle. It was late and dark and he felt a thrill of nostalgia that he allowed himself to enjoy. He reached Hagrid's hut just as the gamekeeper was leaving.

"Hagrid!" Remus called and Hagrid jumped, spinning around.

"Ah, Remus, it's you," said Hagrid with a relieved sigh. "Dumbledore's got me all jumpy with his orders to watch the castle an' all."

They walked up to the school together and met Bill Weasley at the doors.

Bill and Remus shook hands. "Tonks is already inside," Bill said. Hagrid nodded and Remus felt chilled. He wasn't sure Hagrid or Bill knew about their relationship, though he deduced from a look Bill gave him that Bill at least had suspicions, probably brought about by something Molly let slip. Remus decided not to tell them. Instead, he followed Bill inside and up a staircase until they found Tonks and Professor Sprout.

The look on Tonks's face told Remus she had not expected him to be there either. Their eyes met but they both quickly looked away. After checking in and clarifying their orders, they split up to patrol the corridors.

An hour after they started patrolling, Remus ran into Tonks. At first he kept his eyes averted, but she called his name and he stopped.

"Can we talk?" she asked.

"Is now the time?" he returned.

"You have been avoiding me, so it seems like now is as good a time as any."

He did not try to deny her accusation, but before they could say anything else, a shout came down the hallway:

"Professor Lupin!" It was Neville, and he shouted about Death Eaters in the castle and soon they were fighting side by side as Death Eaters surrounded them.

Neville fell and Remus felt a pang unrelated to the battle as he remembered Neville's jerking legs the night Sirius died. Remus quickly roused him but could do nothing about the blood seeping from under his hairline. Undeterred, Neville immediately jumped back up to keep fighting.

Other students were fighting, the walls were crumbling around them as spells tore them apart. At one point, Greyback was there and they stared each other down as the battle raged around them.

"I knew better than to trust you, Lupin!" Greyback roared and Remus fired a curse at him that barely missed—then he disappeared into the crowd. He resurfaced just a few minutes later—he was on top of Bill, who had been knocked out, and Remus noticed with a lurch that he was tearing Bill's face with his teeth. Remus used a spell to pick him up and smashed him against a wall but after he slid down, Remus couldn't see him anymore. Remus threw a protective charm over Bill and kept fighting.

Remus lost track of things. Snape had Draco Malfoy and they were running. Remus shot a curse after a Death Eater chasing them but missed. Harry ran past and Remus felt both relief and dread at the sight of him—he was alive, but now that he was here, there was no guaranteeing his safety.

The battle started to wind down. Remus knelt next to Bill and tried to revive him but was unable to do so. Instead, after checking on everyone else (he met Tonks's eyes only long enough to see that she was okay), he levitated Bill and took him to the hospital wing.

Madam Pomfrey did what she could for him and everyone kept asking him what the results would be—what kind of damage could a non-transformed werewolf do? He snuck a glance at Tonks, standing next to him, remembering her words: "that only affects you once a month so why should it matter?" He was never human, there was never a moment when his curse lifted, and if this didn't solidify that in her mind, maybe she would never get it.

Harry and Ginny entered the room and Ginny said it, words that would haunt Remus for the rest of his life: "Dumbledore's dead."

"No!" Remus looked at Harry, sure that Ginny had misunderstood, but Harry just looked back at him. Dumbledore, the man who had always given Remus a chance, who understood everything Remus felt and experienced, the man for whom Remus had just spent months in the presence of savage werewolves, could not be dead. But he was.

Another one, dead.

Another one.

_Another one._

_Dumbledore's dead._

Rage pulsed through Remus's body, a hatred for Snape, someone he had repeatedly defended. They talked through the battle, filling Harry in on everything he had missed.

Fleur arrived and professed that her love for Bill was not diminished because of the attack and Remus, distracted by grief and anger, had only a moment to register that before Tonks snapped, not caring who could hear. "You see! She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!"

Remus felt everyone's eyes turn to him and he refused to look at anyone, too aware that most of the people in the room would be surprised and confused by this revelation. "It's different," he muttered. "Bill will not be a full werewolf. The cases are completely—"

"But I don't care either, I don't care!" Tonks actually grabbed his robes and shook them but he did not react. He was in too much pain to be embarrassed, but he still managed to wish everyone would stop looking at him. "I've told you a million times..."

"And I've told _you_ a million times that I'm too old for you, too poor... too dangerous..." The thought crossed his mind that he was closer to Greyback than to Bill, but the thought hurt him too much for him to voice it.

"I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus," said Molly.

_Well, who the hell asked you?_ Remus thought, but he said, "I am not being ridiculous. Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."

"But she wants you. And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so." Arthur gestured to Bill and Remus felt that was unfair—there was a difference between staying with someone who became damaged, as Fleur was doing, and starting a relationship with someone without hope.

"This is...not the moment to discuss it," Remus muttered angrily. "Dumbledore is dead..."

"Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world," said Minerva and Remus seethed. How could any of them think now was a good time to guilt him? To gang up on him about something that was none of their business? But before he could say anything else, Hagrid entered and brought the discussion to an end.

"Come with me tonight," Tonks whispered to him as they prepared to leave the castle an hour later. He wouldn't be able to go back to the werewolves, Kingsley would be busy with the Ministry, and the Weasleys did not need him there at the moment, while Bill was injured.

So he found himself sitting on Tonks's couch fifteen minutes later, exhausted. He put his face in his hands, his elbows on his knees and tried taking deep breaths.

He had never cried in front of Tonks before. It was not a pride thing, just a fact. Tears did not come easily to Remus, after everything he had been through.

He cried easily as a child, a student at Hogwarts, and just after graduation, but something about his biggest loss seemed to have robbed him of that ability. He had not cried much, considering, when he was told that James, Lily, and Peter were dead and that Sirius had killed them all and was going to Azkaban. He should have cried for days, weeks, but that hadn't happened. It hadn't happened since. He had not put much thought into it.

But now his eyes burned. He closed them tightly, thinking of Dumbledore and everything Dumbledore had done for him over the years. Remus had paid him back the best ways he knew how—spying on werewolves, defending Snape...doing jobs no one else would (or could) do. But it hadn't been enough. Nothing would have been enough.

Tonks sat next to him and put her arm around his shoulders. After a minute, Remus finally looked up, slowly. "I'm tired," he whispered and Tonks led him to the bedroom.

He fell asleep instantly in her arms, still dressed in his robes. His last thought was a hope that he wouldn't sleep all day like when Sirius died, and it worked. He woke up after only five hours' sleep, blinking in the early light. He shifted onto his back and Tonks opened her eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asked. In response, he rolled on top of her and kissed her. She did not seem surprised when he moved his lips to her neck but pulled his robe up and massaged his back. The sex was gentle, slow—the only time he could really understand why people called it love making. She breathed into his ear and he pumped inside her and they climaxed together.

He stayed inside her, not moving, until their breathing returned to normal. Then he rolled onto his side to face her, hugged her tightly, and broke down.

He couldn't remember ever crying so hard. It wasn't just for Dumbledore, it was for everything. Lily, James, Peter, Sirius, Harry, Tonks, Bill, Fleur, Greyback, Voldemort, Bellatrix, Tonks, Molly, Arthur, Ginny, Ron, Hermione, the werewolves, Snape, Tonks's parents, himself, his transformations, unemployment, the Ministry, Tonks, Dumbledore, _Tonks_...

Tonks said nothing, but held him as his tears soaked her robes. He didn't try to look at her face. He didn't know how she would react, but that concern wasn't big in his mind at the moment.

He finally started to slow down after what had to be half an hour of continuous sobbing. Gasping, tears still flowing, but closer to under control, he rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling.

"Why would you want to be with me?" he mumbled. Tonks leaned closer to hear him. "I am so...broken."

"You aren't broken," she said, and he finally looked at her. She had been crying too, though if she had been doing so silently or if he had been too loud to hear her, he had no idea. "You're damaged, but not broken."

"You have no idea what I have been through," he said. He licked his dry lips. "That is why you do not think I am broken."

"You just need time," she said gently. "It gets better with—"

"You think that," he said, not harshly, "because you have never experienced loss like I have." Her eyes narrowed, but he continued. "You have lost friends, your cousin, and I know you loved Dumbledore. But my family has repeatedly died. Can you imagine losing your parents, over and over again? Time helps with pain, yes, but there is a point when a person is just...broken."

She bit her lip. "You've asked me before, why I would want to be with a werewolf. Your heart is human, Remus, and I know that because you love so much. Werewolves don't love like you do, they are incapable of grieving like this."

Remus grinned coldly. "I get the one cursed part of being human to go with my lycanthropy, then. Can a person be more cursed than I am?"

More tears fell from her eyes. "It's also a blessing, to love," she whispered.

He shook his head slowly. "I have given you a lot of reasons," he said, "for why we should not be together. But the truth is, I am selfish. I do not want to be with you because, for all the likelihood that you will survive this war, there is a chance that you will not. And I cannot do that. I cannot handle that. I cannot lose a lover, not you, not like this."

"Don't freeze your heart—"

"Do not act like you understand," he said, giving up on trying to sound gentle.

"I know you love me."

"That is the problem."

She kissed him. He let himself give in to her. For all his talk, he did not leave her bed that day.

...

* * *

...


End file.
